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The latest polling data is in. It’s pretty clear that Mitt Romney will get the nod from New Hampshire’s Republican party. The question is, “Why?” Let’s look at each candidate in turn, and try to discern the probable reasoning of the voters.

Mitt Romney

• Truly presidential hair – always well-coiffed, with a touch of gray at the temples. We could send him anywhere in the world and probably not be embarrassed.
• He ran before, and gosh darn it, he deserves it this time to make up for that whole McCain thing back in 2008. Mitt’s got stick-to-it-iveness!
• He had something to do with the Olympics. That’s good, right? Everyone likes the Olympics.
• He was the governor of Massachusetts, and isn’t that the state that borders us to the south? By golly, he’s practically family!
• I don’t think he’ll do anything scary like declare war on Iran.

Ron Paul

• Ron Paul is a libertarian, and libertarianism is good, because Glenn Beck said so before those nasty people at Fox News dumped his show.
• Ron Paul is a libertarian, and it’s really cool to be a libertarian because that’s the polar opposite position of that socialist fascist pinko commie Obama guy. And I want to be cool.

Jon Huntsman

• He has red signs that would show up incredibly well against a backdrop of snow, if we had any snow. Anyway, I like red!
• I remember he had this one TV commercial that said he was a true conservative, and the other guys weren’t. I’m gullible enough to believe him. He wouldn’t lie. He’s not like the others.

Rick Santorum

• I saw a poll that said he has the vote of the Christian folks. That’s all I needed to know. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
• “Santorum” reminds me the word “sane,” and so maybe he’ll bring sanity to Washington. Yeah, that’s it!
• I think Glenn Beck likes him, and Beck knows history, and Beck is outspoken, and Beck does all of my thinking for me.

Newt Gingrich

• Hey, I’m old, and I remember when Gingrich mattered. I choose to believe he still does, because it makes me feel alive when I take my fiber supplements in the morning.
• I’m nostalgic for the good ol’ days of Reagan and Bush.
• Sure, he’s a dirtbag who can’t seem to take care of business at home, but there’s no way that proven track record of selfishness, instability, and inability to work through difficult situations could be a problem in the Oval Office. Newt’s my man!
• He doesn’t look enough like Teddy Kennedy to matter. Not really.

Rick Perry

• I like underdogs. Imagine the feeling of elation I’d have if this guy actually won. What a comeback story! Then I bet I could relive it over and over when it’s made into a Hollywood movie starring Keanu Reeves! I loved that guy in the Matrix. Hey…I wonder if Perry can dodge bullets, too. I bet he’s a superhero like Neo!
• I like voting against the crowd, and this guy is supported by practically no one. I’m independent, curse you all!!